Storge - Natural affection
‘...something like “natural love” or “family love”’
Storge – some people experience love as a gradual and slow process. When love is based on Storge, getting to know someone comes before having intense feelings for that person. Love based on Storge takes time, it requires genuine liking and understanding of a partner, and it develops slowly over time. Love based on Storge is often compared to the love that one has for a friend. In fact, people who experience love as Storge often fall in love with their friends.
Mature love is the type of love you see in long-term marriages. When you are together because you want to be together and not because you need to be with one another, you have a mature love.
Signs of mature love include acceptance, emotional support, commitment, calmness, respect, caring, kindness, friendship, and consideration.
Storge is a physical show of affection that results from a pure motive. It may be a hug, a kiss, or another expression of genuine affection. Because males are different than females, the wife usually needs this kind of love more from her husband. It is important for the husband to set aside his need of companionship and meet his wife's main need, which is affection.
This word represents an affection for someone, but it isn’t used in the NT. It doesn’t describe the love of God in sending His Son into the world for us because storge is natural, almost automatic and inevitable. It’s the type of love that binds families together, races, clans and social groupings (including national unity and patriotism).
In a positive sense, this ‘love’ is the type that binds families together so that, no matter what external forces come against them, the unity of the group remains complete and unbreakable. Even though suffering and heartache may come into their experience, storge love binds the family together and strengthens its ties.
Mature love is the type of love you see in long-term marriages. When you are together because you want to be together and not because you need to be with one another, you have a mature love.
Signs of mature love include acceptance, emotional support, commitment, calmness, respect, caring, kindness, friendship, and consideration.
Storge is a physical show of affection that results from a pure motive. It may be a hug, a kiss, or another expression of genuine affection. Because males are different than females, the wife usually needs this kind of love more from her husband. It is important for the husband to set aside his need of companionship and meet his wife's main need, which is affection.
This word represents an affection for someone, but it isn’t used in the NT. It doesn’t describe the love of God in sending His Son into the world for us because storge is natural, almost automatic and inevitable. It’s the type of love that binds families together, races, clans and social groupings (including national unity and patriotism).
In a positive sense, this ‘love’ is the type that binds families together so that, no matter what external forces come against them, the unity of the group remains complete and unbreakable. Even though suffering and heartache may come into their experience, storge love binds the family together and strengthens its ties.
In a negative sense, though, it can bind a unit together so well that it rejects any or all who aren’t regarded as being a part of that unit. It can exclude immigrants and aliens for no better reason than they aren’t a part - that is, there’s given no opportunity for the unit to open up and accept into its midst people who aren’t originally part of them.
Storge may be used as a general term to describe the love between exceptional friends, and the desire for them to care compassionately for one another. Another interpretation is for storge to be used to describe a sexual relationship between two people that gradually grew out of a friendship—storgic lovers sometimes cannot pinpoint the moment that friendship turned to love. The comfortable old-shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging.
Storgic lovers are friends first, and the friendship can endure even beyond the breakup of the sexual relationship. They want their significant others to also be their best friends, and will choose their mates based on homogamy. Homogamy is marriage between individuals who are, in some culturally important way, similar to each other. Homogamy may be based on socio-economic status, class, gender, ethnicity, or religion.
Storgic lovers place much importance on commitment, and find that their motivation to avoid committing infidelity is to preserve the trust between the two partners. Children and marriage are seen as legitimate forms of their bond, while sex is of lesser importance than in other love styles. Storge provides a sense of security and emotional refuge by the feeling that this is where one belongs. Storge does not carry a lot of “feelings”, but it is the heart of security and comfort in a relationship.
Storge love is an instinctual love. Unlike Philios love, Storge begins to "love" for the sake of loving. It is not as conditional as Philios love. Where Philios love said: "I will "love" you if" you do this or that, Storge says: "I will love you because I should love you." It is a human love. That is, it does not "need" God to exist, but without God in the picture, being a human love...it will die.
Unless Storge is nurtured by Philios, has some degree of Eros and cemented into place with the Supernatural Glue of Agape, it has no choice but to wither and die, like all things human. Storge, in and of itself, cannot weather the test of time. It is dependent on the other loves in conjunction with it to survive, especially Agape, as are all the human type of loves.
When combined with the other four loves, Storge becomes permanent. A bond that cannot be broken or seperated, an eternal bond of love between the lover and the beloved. Unlike Philios at the outset, Storge love will offer itself in Death if needs be to protect the beloved. It will not flee from danger, abandoning the beloved to harms way, and if nurtured by Philios, Eros and Agape, it will remain that way for an eternity.
Storge may be used as a general term to describe the love between exceptional friends, and the desire for them to care compassionately for one another. Another interpretation is for storge to be used to describe a sexual relationship between two people that gradually grew out of a friendship—storgic lovers sometimes cannot pinpoint the moment that friendship turned to love. The comfortable old-shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging.
Storgic lovers are friends first, and the friendship can endure even beyond the breakup of the sexual relationship. They want their significant others to also be their best friends, and will choose their mates based on homogamy. Homogamy is marriage between individuals who are, in some culturally important way, similar to each other. Homogamy may be based on socio-economic status, class, gender, ethnicity, or religion.
Storgic lovers place much importance on commitment, and find that their motivation to avoid committing infidelity is to preserve the trust between the two partners. Children and marriage are seen as legitimate forms of their bond, while sex is of lesser importance than in other love styles. Storge provides a sense of security and emotional refuge by the feeling that this is where one belongs. Storge does not carry a lot of “feelings”, but it is the heart of security and comfort in a relationship.
Storge love is an instinctual love. Unlike Philios love, Storge begins to "love" for the sake of loving. It is not as conditional as Philios love. Where Philios love said: "I will "love" you if" you do this or that, Storge says: "I will love you because I should love you." It is a human love. That is, it does not "need" God to exist, but without God in the picture, being a human love...it will die.
Unless Storge is nurtured by Philios, has some degree of Eros and cemented into place with the Supernatural Glue of Agape, it has no choice but to wither and die, like all things human. Storge, in and of itself, cannot weather the test of time. It is dependent on the other loves in conjunction with it to survive, especially Agape, as are all the human type of loves.
When combined with the other four loves, Storge becomes permanent. A bond that cannot be broken or seperated, an eternal bond of love between the lover and the beloved. Unlike Philios at the outset, Storge love will offer itself in Death if needs be to protect the beloved. It will not flee from danger, abandoning the beloved to harms way, and if nurtured by Philios, Eros and Agape, it will remain that way for an eternity.
As with all that is beautiful, it is impossible to adequately describe mature love with words. One way to attempt such a description is to relate some of the qualities that seem to be a part of mature love. Two points should be kept in mind while considering these qualities. First, each quality is quantitative, i.e., it can be placed on a scale from zero to one hundred. It is, of course, unreal to expect a lover to score one-hundred on all qualities before being considered a mature lover. But it is realistic to expect these qualities to be present much more of the time than they are absent in mature love relationships. Second, as in physical health, it is no good enough that all but one of our vital signs be healthy. So, too, it appears that the presence of all these qualities is necessary for a truly mature love.
Mature Love is Altruistic
This means that mature love gives affection, time and energy without considering what will be received in return. This is not because they don’t care whether or not they receive love, since this would be unreal. It is because they feel loved so much for themselves and rest assured in this love. It is like a man who, when he goes to bed at night, does not worry about the sun rising the next morning. It is not that he does not care; he just knows it will.
Altruistic love is different from bookkeeper love, which keeps a strict account of the balance between emotional investments and dividends. It also differs from slave love in which the lover will give anything, do anything, and suffer anything just to be kept around.
Mature Love is Freeing
Mature love frees others to be better than they could be in lesser relationships, and it also frees them to be worse. While the “freeing to be worse” may sound peculiar, allowing a person to express what they really feel without fear of rejection is better than using the threat of rejection as lever to elicit only good behaviour. It is through allowing others to be as they are, for better and for worse, that they can learn to become better.
Mature love also frees the other to do the things they need to grow in happiness and efficiency. Mature love is non-possessive and non-jealous. It allows the other to get many needs met outside the relationship. These attributes of freedom differ from lesser love relationships that state, “You’re free to be anyone you wish (as long as I approve), and you’re free to do anything you want (as long as I am included).” A mature lover does not fear losing a loved one because they never owned the loved one in the first place.
Mature Love is Honest
The honesty in mature love is bilateral. It declares, “This is who I am with all my strengths and weaknesses; in all my beauty and ugliness; in all my knowledge and ignorance. I want you to know me completely so that when you love me, I know it is I that you love and not an image of me.”
Honest love states, “This is how I see and feel about you at this minute in time. Sometimes you will like what I say and feel, and at other times you will dislike it. But you will always appreciate it because it is from my love that I share it with you.”
This is different from the false charity that operates on the principle: protect those you love from their weaknesses and from you negative feelings about them. Lovers who adhere to this principle are happier with each other. But the dishonesties accumulate until they gradually make the lovers strangers to each other. Then, one day, something happens that brings this realization crashing down on top of them.
Mature Love is Happy, Sad and Neutral
To some, the term mature love conjures up a picture of a man and woman in their sixties, sitting in rocking chairs, the woman mending socks and the husband dozing off between puffs on his pipe. In other words, it is as boring as it is serene. To the contrary, mature love is alive. At times it is fun, hilarious and exhilarating; at other times it is tender, warm and peaceful; at times it is marbled with hurt, anger, fear and guilt. The difficult emotions rise for two reasons. First, true love requires a person to be open, unprotected and vulnerable. Second, even the best of lovers love with a limp because their past loves were not perfect. The combination of these two factors will inevitably cause periods of pain.
At times, the emotional climate is neutral since plateaus between emotional hills and gullies are necessary for rest and contemplation. But mature love is mostly happy. If a relationship is not primarily happy, then is it some other kind of love, or no love at all.
Mature Love is Empathetic
Empathy means “feeling with” another. True empathy is one important mark of a mature person, and only mature people can be mature lovers. Empathy requires four abilities:
The ability to feel. While this may sound obvious, many people are unable to feel adequately. This is so either because they were reared in families that did not teach or allow feelings to surface; because they have been hurt and have discovered that the best way to prevent hurt is not to feel; or because they are top heavy, i.e., they may think feelings, but do not feel them.
The ability to feel with another. Many people have easy access to feelings but only those that directly relate to them.
The ability to live with the feeling. This means truly listening to another share feelings without being compelled to immediately do something about them. It is well-intentioned but not empathetic to respond to someone who is angry, “Oh, don’t let him get to you!” or to someone who is grieving, “You must accept this as God’s will”; or the classic remedy for someone who is worried, “Don’t worry about it.” The most help we can give someone is to listen and accept feelings. Thus the other person can feel there is at least someone who really understands what they are feeling and why.
The ability to differentiate between empathy, sympathy and identification. Sympathy is a feeling for another, usually a feeling of pity or sorrow. Sympathy is hardly ever, if ever, a constructive emotion for the recipient. It is a dead-end sentiment which declares simply, “Poor you.” Some people live on sympathy because it is a free ride-all one has to do is be pitiful and get most needs met.
Identification means feeling that it is happening to me. This occurs in relationships in which two people have become one emotionally. It creates a yo-yo phenomenon in which when you’re depressed, I’m depressed, and when you’re euphoric, I am also. Two problems occur when one person’s emotions dictate those of another. First of all, the situation is unreal because whatever is happening to one is, in reality, not happening to the other. Secondly, neither person is free to deal objectively with reality. For example, instead of my wife becoming angry with my boss because I am, it would be much better if she would help me sort out the situation and see if my behaviour caused some of the difficulty.
Mature Love is Strengthening
This means that both people are growing together, as opposed to one person growing at the expense of the other or both people slipping into a blissful regression and calling it growth because it is freeing and feels good.
The strengths that mature people possess are manifested within the love relationship. Unlike lesser kinds of love, their love does not make them strong; they make their love strong. And if they were not in love with each other, they still would be strong. If the lover dies, they still are strong and full of love for people and for life.
Mature lovers respect and admire each other, which enables them to be strong, honest, trusting and unafraid in the presence of each other. There are no secrets, no shielding from hurt, no holding back, and no manipulation.
Mature Love is Altruistic
This means that mature love gives affection, time and energy without considering what will be received in return. This is not because they don’t care whether or not they receive love, since this would be unreal. It is because they feel loved so much for themselves and rest assured in this love. It is like a man who, when he goes to bed at night, does not worry about the sun rising the next morning. It is not that he does not care; he just knows it will.
Altruistic love is different from bookkeeper love, which keeps a strict account of the balance between emotional investments and dividends. It also differs from slave love in which the lover will give anything, do anything, and suffer anything just to be kept around.
Mature Love is Freeing
Mature love frees others to be better than they could be in lesser relationships, and it also frees them to be worse. While the “freeing to be worse” may sound peculiar, allowing a person to express what they really feel without fear of rejection is better than using the threat of rejection as lever to elicit only good behaviour. It is through allowing others to be as they are, for better and for worse, that they can learn to become better.
Mature love also frees the other to do the things they need to grow in happiness and efficiency. Mature love is non-possessive and non-jealous. It allows the other to get many needs met outside the relationship. These attributes of freedom differ from lesser love relationships that state, “You’re free to be anyone you wish (as long as I approve), and you’re free to do anything you want (as long as I am included).” A mature lover does not fear losing a loved one because they never owned the loved one in the first place.
Mature Love is Honest
The honesty in mature love is bilateral. It declares, “This is who I am with all my strengths and weaknesses; in all my beauty and ugliness; in all my knowledge and ignorance. I want you to know me completely so that when you love me, I know it is I that you love and not an image of me.”
Honest love states, “This is how I see and feel about you at this minute in time. Sometimes you will like what I say and feel, and at other times you will dislike it. But you will always appreciate it because it is from my love that I share it with you.”
This is different from the false charity that operates on the principle: protect those you love from their weaknesses and from you negative feelings about them. Lovers who adhere to this principle are happier with each other. But the dishonesties accumulate until they gradually make the lovers strangers to each other. Then, one day, something happens that brings this realization crashing down on top of them.
Mature Love is Happy, Sad and Neutral
To some, the term mature love conjures up a picture of a man and woman in their sixties, sitting in rocking chairs, the woman mending socks and the husband dozing off between puffs on his pipe. In other words, it is as boring as it is serene. To the contrary, mature love is alive. At times it is fun, hilarious and exhilarating; at other times it is tender, warm and peaceful; at times it is marbled with hurt, anger, fear and guilt. The difficult emotions rise for two reasons. First, true love requires a person to be open, unprotected and vulnerable. Second, even the best of lovers love with a limp because their past loves were not perfect. The combination of these two factors will inevitably cause periods of pain.
At times, the emotional climate is neutral since plateaus between emotional hills and gullies are necessary for rest and contemplation. But mature love is mostly happy. If a relationship is not primarily happy, then is it some other kind of love, or no love at all.
Mature Love is Empathetic
Empathy means “feeling with” another. True empathy is one important mark of a mature person, and only mature people can be mature lovers. Empathy requires four abilities:
The ability to feel. While this may sound obvious, many people are unable to feel adequately. This is so either because they were reared in families that did not teach or allow feelings to surface; because they have been hurt and have discovered that the best way to prevent hurt is not to feel; or because they are top heavy, i.e., they may think feelings, but do not feel them.
The ability to feel with another. Many people have easy access to feelings but only those that directly relate to them.
The ability to live with the feeling. This means truly listening to another share feelings without being compelled to immediately do something about them. It is well-intentioned but not empathetic to respond to someone who is angry, “Oh, don’t let him get to you!” or to someone who is grieving, “You must accept this as God’s will”; or the classic remedy for someone who is worried, “Don’t worry about it.” The most help we can give someone is to listen and accept feelings. Thus the other person can feel there is at least someone who really understands what they are feeling and why.
The ability to differentiate between empathy, sympathy and identification. Sympathy is a feeling for another, usually a feeling of pity or sorrow. Sympathy is hardly ever, if ever, a constructive emotion for the recipient. It is a dead-end sentiment which declares simply, “Poor you.” Some people live on sympathy because it is a free ride-all one has to do is be pitiful and get most needs met.
Identification means feeling that it is happening to me. This occurs in relationships in which two people have become one emotionally. It creates a yo-yo phenomenon in which when you’re depressed, I’m depressed, and when you’re euphoric, I am also. Two problems occur when one person’s emotions dictate those of another. First of all, the situation is unreal because whatever is happening to one is, in reality, not happening to the other. Secondly, neither person is free to deal objectively with reality. For example, instead of my wife becoming angry with my boss because I am, it would be much better if she would help me sort out the situation and see if my behaviour caused some of the difficulty.
Mature Love is Strengthening
This means that both people are growing together, as opposed to one person growing at the expense of the other or both people slipping into a blissful regression and calling it growth because it is freeing and feels good.
The strengths that mature people possess are manifested within the love relationship. Unlike lesser kinds of love, their love does not make them strong; they make their love strong. And if they were not in love with each other, they still would be strong. If the lover dies, they still are strong and full of love for people and for life.
Mature lovers respect and admire each other, which enables them to be strong, honest, trusting and unafraid in the presence of each other. There are no secrets, no shielding from hurt, no holding back, and no manipulation.
Mature Lovers are Unique, Self-defined and Separate
Contrary to romantic notions often seen in both secular and religious writings, mature lovers do not become as one. This is not a mere theoretical distinction, but one that has very serious and concrete consequences. When two people become as one emotionally, intellectually and morally, there is no frame of reference, no mirror or source of feedback and correction which is necessary for a healthy balance in a relationship. Numerous problems can occur when two individuals become one psychologically.
First, it is a violation of reality because the persons have different biology’s and backgrounds. To attempt to mould two people into one is to ask each to sacrifice important parts of life necessary both for their own growth and happiness and those of the loved one.
Second, when parents act as one, it provides a serious disservice to the children, who are presented with a monolithic structure of what is good and bad, acceptable and non-acceptable, lovable and unlovable. In a healthy marriage there are three dimensions: the husband in all his uniqueness; the wife in all her uniqueness; and the relationship in which the likeness, the differences, and the contradictions interact to create a third important force. This offers the children more sources of data, permissions, values, interests and perceptions to help them weave their own uniqueness.
Mature Love is Resilient
Mature love between two people has a history of shared experiences which are many and varied. Each experience, regardless of how minuscule, when it is shared and reacted to honestly, builds up a foundation of understanding, trust, and confidence that functions as a psychological shock absorber which distributes stress in a balanced way. The opposite of this is seen in less mature types of love in which, almost weekly or monthly, new discoveries are made about each other that cast serious doubt on the love. Each moderately serious disagreement, conflict or trauma sends shock waves through the relationship that encourage each person to keep a suitcase half-packed at all times, ready for evacuation. This situation is no better seen that in adolescent crushes in which young people announce once a week that they are no longer in love with their steady. It is less amusing in people who are married and keep themselves and their children on edge because each argument or failure of any magnitude leads to a total re-evaluation of the love.
One cannot realistically look for resiliency in young relationships because there has not been the opportunity to share many and varied experiences. On the other hand, merely putting in time with each other makes no contribution to resiliency; to wit, many people who have been married for twenty or thirty years continually love on the brink of doubt, distrust, resentment and fear. Time is merely the backdrop that gives people the opportunity to live with each other verses merely living next to each other. For many people, two years is sufficient time in which to develop emotional resiliencies, while for others forty years is not enough.
Contrary to romantic notions often seen in both secular and religious writings, mature lovers do not become as one. This is not a mere theoretical distinction, but one that has very serious and concrete consequences. When two people become as one emotionally, intellectually and morally, there is no frame of reference, no mirror or source of feedback and correction which is necessary for a healthy balance in a relationship. Numerous problems can occur when two individuals become one psychologically.
First, it is a violation of reality because the persons have different biology’s and backgrounds. To attempt to mould two people into one is to ask each to sacrifice important parts of life necessary both for their own growth and happiness and those of the loved one.
Second, when parents act as one, it provides a serious disservice to the children, who are presented with a monolithic structure of what is good and bad, acceptable and non-acceptable, lovable and unlovable. In a healthy marriage there are three dimensions: the husband in all his uniqueness; the wife in all her uniqueness; and the relationship in which the likeness, the differences, and the contradictions interact to create a third important force. This offers the children more sources of data, permissions, values, interests and perceptions to help them weave their own uniqueness.
Mature Love is Resilient
Mature love between two people has a history of shared experiences which are many and varied. Each experience, regardless of how minuscule, when it is shared and reacted to honestly, builds up a foundation of understanding, trust, and confidence that functions as a psychological shock absorber which distributes stress in a balanced way. The opposite of this is seen in less mature types of love in which, almost weekly or monthly, new discoveries are made about each other that cast serious doubt on the love. Each moderately serious disagreement, conflict or trauma sends shock waves through the relationship that encourage each person to keep a suitcase half-packed at all times, ready for evacuation. This situation is no better seen that in adolescent crushes in which young people announce once a week that they are no longer in love with their steady. It is less amusing in people who are married and keep themselves and their children on edge because each argument or failure of any magnitude leads to a total re-evaluation of the love.
One cannot realistically look for resiliency in young relationships because there has not been the opportunity to share many and varied experiences. On the other hand, merely putting in time with each other makes no contribution to resiliency; to wit, many people who have been married for twenty or thirty years continually love on the brink of doubt, distrust, resentment and fear. Time is merely the backdrop that gives people the opportunity to live with each other verses merely living next to each other. For many people, two years is sufficient time in which to develop emotional resiliencies, while for others forty years is not enough.
Mature Love is Imperfect
Often people look upon mature love as an ideal that cannot really be attained by human beings. But this is because they fail to understand fully the nature of mature love. If we look in the dictionary, we shall see quite different definitions for the words “mature,” which means fully developed, and “perfect,” which means flawless. For example, a twenty-five-year-old person may be physically mature yet not physically perfect. Mature love denotes a love developed past the point of child and adolescent attachments, but one that is real (verses ideal) and imperfect.
In some ways, mature love is more fraught with conflict than is immature love. The reason for this is that immature love often have so much infatuation and emotional slavery involved that they are relatively smooth-flowing, just as there is seldom conflict between master and a slave. Conflicts arise between equals: master and master or slave to slave.
Mature Love is Spiritual
Spiritual means nonmaterial and not directly observable. It may include a religious dimension or it may not. In either case, the love surpasses the material. Both immature love and mature love begin at the same place, with an attraction to physical appearance, to personality traits, to deeply shared interests, or to one’s popularity or success. Immature love stops there and ceases when the source of attraction ceases.
Mature love includes but then surpasses these traits. It endures because the loved one’s spirit endures and is not attached to the vicissitudes of material traits. Because spirit is non-material, its description does not easily express itself in words. But spiritual love states a sentiment similar to this, “Beyond your physical and social attractiveness, there is you: your sensitivity, strength, vulnerability, humour and warmth. It is this spirit that I love-that I want to give to and receive from. I carry your spirit within me, and it frees me to be more open, giving and joyful.”
Every couple needs to know it is possible to "fall in love all over again." But it takes more than changes in their behaviour. It often includes that, but it also includes changes in attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs about one another and about their marriage. It becomes a matter of will. Feelings will change when you focus on changing your thoughts and behaviours, not when you focus directly on changing your feelings. You can never be happy by trying to be happy. Happiness is always a result of giving yourself to someone or something you love.
There are people who are on the verge of divorce and if they have any feelings for each other it is hatred. Imagine these same people falling in love all over again. But it can't happen by simply changing behaviour. That form of legalism often leads a couple to do loving things while gritting their teeth and thinking "I still can't stand him."
In our culture we tend to place feelings before thoughts and behaviours. We feel our way into a new way of behaving. For example, if I don't feel like loving my wife, I don't. If I don't feel like kissing my wife, I won't. But in fact we way to change a marriage is by thinking and behaving our way into a new way of feeling. What we are called to do and can do as Christians is to bring every thought captive to Christ. We need to view our spouse through the lens of faith and remind ourselves he/she (our spouse) is to Christ.
Christians don't ignore the fact that we have problems or issues in our marriages. That would be naive. Rather we begin with the truth of God who says our spouse is a gift from Him to us. They may not always look like a gift or behave like one. Yet in Christ they are a gift of God. Based on that truth, we then resolve to work through our differences and difficulties. And even when those difficulties can't be overcome, we learn how to live together as husband and wife. Is this easy? Of course not!
You may think that it is not reasonable to expect such a thing. Nevertheless, by bringing our thoughts and then our behaviours captive to Christ, daily reminding ourselves who we are in Christ, and who our spouse is in Christ, and what our marriage is in Christ, we can learn how to fall in love all over again.
Have you ever seen a parent and child, or a man and a woman in love that are best friends? They have Philios and Storge solidly in place. And, you can bet it is cemented in place with a touch of Eros to some degree, and the unfailing love of agape. Theirs is a permanent love, a lasting friendship, in this life and beyond. It is eternal. Isn't that what we are all seeking?
Often people look upon mature love as an ideal that cannot really be attained by human beings. But this is because they fail to understand fully the nature of mature love. If we look in the dictionary, we shall see quite different definitions for the words “mature,” which means fully developed, and “perfect,” which means flawless. For example, a twenty-five-year-old person may be physically mature yet not physically perfect. Mature love denotes a love developed past the point of child and adolescent attachments, but one that is real (verses ideal) and imperfect.
In some ways, mature love is more fraught with conflict than is immature love. The reason for this is that immature love often have so much infatuation and emotional slavery involved that they are relatively smooth-flowing, just as there is seldom conflict between master and a slave. Conflicts arise between equals: master and master or slave to slave.
Mature Love is Spiritual
Spiritual means nonmaterial and not directly observable. It may include a religious dimension or it may not. In either case, the love surpasses the material. Both immature love and mature love begin at the same place, with an attraction to physical appearance, to personality traits, to deeply shared interests, or to one’s popularity or success. Immature love stops there and ceases when the source of attraction ceases.
Mature love includes but then surpasses these traits. It endures because the loved one’s spirit endures and is not attached to the vicissitudes of material traits. Because spirit is non-material, its description does not easily express itself in words. But spiritual love states a sentiment similar to this, “Beyond your physical and social attractiveness, there is you: your sensitivity, strength, vulnerability, humour and warmth. It is this spirit that I love-that I want to give to and receive from. I carry your spirit within me, and it frees me to be more open, giving and joyful.”
Every couple needs to know it is possible to "fall in love all over again." But it takes more than changes in their behaviour. It often includes that, but it also includes changes in attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs about one another and about their marriage. It becomes a matter of will. Feelings will change when you focus on changing your thoughts and behaviours, not when you focus directly on changing your feelings. You can never be happy by trying to be happy. Happiness is always a result of giving yourself to someone or something you love.
There are people who are on the verge of divorce and if they have any feelings for each other it is hatred. Imagine these same people falling in love all over again. But it can't happen by simply changing behaviour. That form of legalism often leads a couple to do loving things while gritting their teeth and thinking "I still can't stand him."
In our culture we tend to place feelings before thoughts and behaviours. We feel our way into a new way of behaving. For example, if I don't feel like loving my wife, I don't. If I don't feel like kissing my wife, I won't. But in fact we way to change a marriage is by thinking and behaving our way into a new way of feeling. What we are called to do and can do as Christians is to bring every thought captive to Christ. We need to view our spouse through the lens of faith and remind ourselves he/she (our spouse) is to Christ.
Christians don't ignore the fact that we have problems or issues in our marriages. That would be naive. Rather we begin with the truth of God who says our spouse is a gift from Him to us. They may not always look like a gift or behave like one. Yet in Christ they are a gift of God. Based on that truth, we then resolve to work through our differences and difficulties. And even when those difficulties can't be overcome, we learn how to live together as husband and wife. Is this easy? Of course not!
You may think that it is not reasonable to expect such a thing. Nevertheless, by bringing our thoughts and then our behaviours captive to Christ, daily reminding ourselves who we are in Christ, and who our spouse is in Christ, and what our marriage is in Christ, we can learn how to fall in love all over again.
Have you ever seen a parent and child, or a man and a woman in love that are best friends? They have Philios and Storge solidly in place. And, you can bet it is cemented in place with a touch of Eros to some degree, and the unfailing love of agape. Theirs is a permanent love, a lasting friendship, in this life and beyond. It is eternal. Isn't that what we are all seeking?
