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"We loved with a love that was more than love." These words of Edgar Allen Poe seek to express a concept that surpasses verbal expression. Often we seek to express in words the deep feelings of romantic love.

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 As Christians, we are commanded by Jesus to love others. But, what does this mean? In today's culture, love is usually associated with romantic feelings and sexual relationships. Clearly, this is not the type of love Jesus meant we should have for everyone! Also, we often think of love as a feeling. But since we can't decide what we feel, how can we have feelings of love for everyone?

To fully understand Jesus' command to love one another, it helps to look at the Greek word for love most often used in the New Testament. C.S. Lewis expands upon these in his book, The Four Loves.

Love is a popular subject today. Never before in history have we heard so much about it yet seen so little of it in action. Often we use the word rather loosely. For instance, a person may say he loves his family, his new car, or even pepperoni pizza! Hardly anyone specifies the kind of love he means. Newspapers have been known to headline “love murders” or “love suicides”—a rather strange concept indeed! It is obvious that the word “love” means different things to different people. Yet love is a foundational concept in the Christian gospel as well as the single most important ingredient in a successful marriage. We therefore ought to find out what love really means.

Like maturity, love is a process rather than a state. People don’t actually “fall in love”; they grow into it instead. Maturing love involves growing from a state of receiving much and giving little toward a state of cheerfully giving everything and demanding nothing in return. This whole process is a part of maturity.

A baby must be loved or it will die. It receives love, but it has none to give in return. The cuddling which mothers interpret as an expression of love is really only the baby’s intuitive effort to get food and gratify self. Newborn babies love only themselves. As the baby grows, however, he becomes more aware of his mother. She cares for him, feeds him, and provides companionship for him through most of his waking hours. This new awareness involves growth and development. A child’s first expressions of affection will therefore usually be directed to his mother.

Soon the father comes into view, and the child’s world broadens to include this new authority figure. Later he begins to reach out to brothers and sisters, then to playmates (usually of his own age and sex). Soon he’ll want to be in a gang of his peers, most of whom will probably idolize some hero of their own sex. Then he explodes into adolescence, and peers of the opposite sex are no longer dreaded enemies but attractive and alluring friends. One day the announcement is made, “I’m in love.” Is it really love? What has happened? What is love?

Every one of us has his own definition for the word “Love.” Many of us define it in the sexual context and think of something “hanky-panky” every time the word “Love” is uttered. But love is something far beyond than that.

In the Greek language, which is the original language of most of the New Testament, there are five words that can be translated into the English word “love”

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 Epithumia, desire and attraction towards someone; 

This love is a love based on a strong desire of many sorts. Many times it is associated with lust or sometimes to covet. While epithumia love can draw couples closer together it can also be divisive as it can lead to an uncontrollable desire to have or to own. We often hear on this forum from people who desperately try and draw a spouse back after they have become detached from the marriage. The efforts can be overwhelming to the retreating spouse as epithumia love can be seen as controlling.

Epithumia love can also nurture strong bonds in a couple if they both experience it especially in a sexual context. To mutually desire each other sexually and to engross themselves in love making that is driven both by desire and selflessness in pleasing each other. Epithumia love is a double edged sword and is most likely manifested in a positive manner in the early stages of a relationship. 

Eros, longing and romance, involving sexual activity

This the love most associated with romance. It is that head-over-heals feeling we get when a relationship moves forward. Your world and mind circles about your loved one and they are always on your mind. You strive for time together romantically. It is manifested in poetry, words of affirmation, love making, that special look in the eyes.…. A feeling that you could not be happy in life without their companionship and love. Eros love is wholly emotional and cannot be summoned at will. Sadly while most of us have experience eros love in our lives it is not sustainable. Most experts estimate that it will only last 18 – 24 months in the best of relationship before the relationship moves on to another form of love. While eros love is not sustainable, it can cycle in and out of a relationship over its course. 

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 Storge, which means belonging and affection

Storge love is often described as a comfortable old shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other. Storge love represents a safe haven for couples as it is a place of acceptance, mutual respect and shelter. Many couple dwell in storge love for years and misunderstand it as mundane or boring. But in effect it is a very safe place but can simply lack that spark we seek. It can also serve as the moat around your marriage protecting it from outside forces and allow the other types of loves to dwell and flourish. Storge love can co-exist with other types of love and can be likened to a foundation made up of trust and safety. 

Phileo, the friendship

This love cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved but it expects a response. It is a love of relationship, comradeship, sharing, communication and friendship. While eros makes lovers phileo makes a close companionship that is all trusting. They share each other’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans and dreams. They confide in each other the most intimate secrets, fears and needs that they would not share with another. A marriage without phileo will be unsatisfactory no matter the passion in the bedroom.

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True love is
-unconditional
-commitment
-sacrificial
-unbreakable(it lasts)
-personal(closeness)
-meets others needs

Some dictionaries have as many as twenty-five meanings for this one word. I believe that sometimes we will misuse the word love as it is a very common word to be used by everyone. Some people just use it but can't really explain what it really means. I believe that this word bears significant meaning and should not be simply used unless you truly mean it. Love has many meanings so know what you are saying, don't just use it because it seems right. 

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Lust is the worldly view of  “love”.  

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body. 

 Medieval theologian Thomas Aquinas said of Lust:

...wherever there occurs a special kind of deformity whereby the venereal act is rendered unbecoming, there is a determinate species of lust. This may occur in two ways: First, through being contrary to right reason, and this is common to all lustful vices; secondly, because, in addition, it is contrary to the natural order of the venereal act as becoming to the human race: and this is called "the unnatural vice." This may happen in several ways. First, by procuring pollution, without any copulation, for the sake of venereal pleasure: this pertains to the sin of "uncleanness" which some call "effeminacy." Secondly, by copulation with a thing of undue species, and this is called "bestiality." Thirdly, by copulation with an undue sex, male with male, or female with female, as the Apostle states (Rm. 1:27): and this is called the "vice of sodomy." Fourthly, by not observing the natural manner of copulation, either as to undue means, or as to other monstrous and bestial manners of copulation.

 Lust is desire that is stimulated by a superficial impression of the object of passion with a selfish consideration in mind. On this basis, lust is not taking an interest in someone for their own sake, but mostly in order to gain pleasure of some sort from that person. 

In contrast, love is when the desire towards a person is fully mediated by a consciousness of the importance of the person and when attention is given in actions towards this person with the appreciation of his or her inherent worth as the driving motivation.

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