The success of any relationship requires proper boundaries. This is a universal truism, and it makes no difference whether it is a business relationship or a familial relationship. When people know their roles, their responsibilities, their limitations and agree on the ground rules, everyone feels safe. When people feel safe they can share emotions, be creative, grow and learn from each other.
When a person knows his place in the world, he can feel safe and confident that he will succeed. Proper rules and boundaries are not oppression - instead they spell freedom.
The Bible gives us good and sound advice as to how to lead a relatively healthy married life. If you know the Bible you will know that a marriage is an honourable thing, and not only that, it is a blessing from God. How many good things come from marriage! Children, happiness, friendship and companionship. These are only a few blessings that come from a marriage, but married life is not always as easy as it looks. We need to work on our marriage every day.
A few biblical tips on how to conduct your marriage, in order for it to be a blessed one:
The first piece of advice is: stay monogamous.
“Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge”(Heb 13:4).
Any marriage will suffer if one of the spouses commits adultery. Furthermore if adultery has been committed in the marriage, trust is broken. Marriage is and should always be based on trust! Trust is, besides God, the most fundamental part of a good marriage. If this trust has been shattered, your marriage will suffer endlessly.
The second piece of advice is: Love your spouse physically and emotionally as they are.
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”(Gen. 2:25)
We should accept and love our partners as they are. The focus of love should not be on the physical only, but on the internal too. If you love your spouse truly for whom they are, you will love their physically look as well!
The third piece of advice is: Do not lie about your marital status, ever.
“Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive”.(Gen.12:12)
Many people lie about their marital status. This can be due to problems in the marriage, or it sometimes can be due to the fact that one does not honour the marital status enough. Many couples nowadays are married but live in what is now called ‘an open marriage or relationship’. The result of such an ‘open marriage’ in the long run is that it will end up in divorce sooner or later.
Another reason for people to lie about their marital status is because of their infidelity. These people cannot stay with one partner and in order to make a move on someone or to have an affair, they lie about their marital status. Nowadays we hear many stories of people who have affairs outside the marriage. If you want to stay within your marriage and you want God to bless your marriage stay away from adultery and fornication!
Another reason is continuous lying in the marriage. Some are born liars, who just have to lie about everything. Honesty and sincerity are a blessing in a marriage
When a person knows his place in the world, he can feel safe and confident that he will succeed. Proper rules and boundaries are not oppression - instead they spell freedom.
The Bible gives us good and sound advice as to how to lead a relatively healthy married life. If you know the Bible you will know that a marriage is an honourable thing, and not only that, it is a blessing from God. How many good things come from marriage! Children, happiness, friendship and companionship. These are only a few blessings that come from a marriage, but married life is not always as easy as it looks. We need to work on our marriage every day.
A few biblical tips on how to conduct your marriage, in order for it to be a blessed one:
The first piece of advice is: stay monogamous.
“Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge”(Heb 13:4).
Any marriage will suffer if one of the spouses commits adultery. Furthermore if adultery has been committed in the marriage, trust is broken. Marriage is and should always be based on trust! Trust is, besides God, the most fundamental part of a good marriage. If this trust has been shattered, your marriage will suffer endlessly.
The second piece of advice is: Love your spouse physically and emotionally as they are.
“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”(Gen. 2:25)
We should accept and love our partners as they are. The focus of love should not be on the physical only, but on the internal too. If you love your spouse truly for whom they are, you will love their physically look as well!
The third piece of advice is: Do not lie about your marital status, ever.
“Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive”.(Gen.12:12)
Many people lie about their marital status. This can be due to problems in the marriage, or it sometimes can be due to the fact that one does not honour the marital status enough. Many couples nowadays are married but live in what is now called ‘an open marriage or relationship’. The result of such an ‘open marriage’ in the long run is that it will end up in divorce sooner or later.
Another reason for people to lie about their marital status is because of their infidelity. These people cannot stay with one partner and in order to make a move on someone or to have an affair, they lie about their marital status. Nowadays we hear many stories of people who have affairs outside the marriage. If you want to stay within your marriage and you want God to bless your marriage stay away from adultery and fornication!
Another reason is continuous lying in the marriage. Some are born liars, who just have to lie about everything. Honesty and sincerity are a blessing in a marriage
Fourth piece of advice is: Do not prey nor covet your neighbor’s wife.
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."( Ex 20:17.and Deut 5:21)
We all know that love first comes through the eye. Jesus told us “ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Mat. 5:28). You should honour your spouse, and your marital status, always.
Fifth piece of advice is: take good care of your spouse, try to fulfil his or her needs as best as you can
“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.”( Ex 21:10)
We all will appreciate a caring and loving spouse. A husband has the legal responsibility before the eyes of God to take good care of his wife. The wife in return also has the same responsibility, however, a little different. The husband earns the living to take care of the family, financially, and the wife is responsible that the family and the husband functions accordingly. The head of the family is the husband and he cannot do without the body of the family, which is the wife. Both need and complement each other. As a spouse you should be looking out and after all the needs of your partner. In this way you will get back what you give and vice versa.
Sixth piece of advice is: Think good and hard about your choice of a spouse before you marry.
“They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.”(Lev 21:7)
It is imperative that you know all you have to know about your spouse before the wedding. In this way you will not find yourself with many surprises afterwards. A spouse who has encountered many sexual relationships before the marriage can tell you something. There might be a possibility that someone who has had many sexual partners in the past, thus before the marriage, may very well be someone who has difficulty to commit. If you have your doubts about a future spouse, pray to God and ask Him to give you sound advice.
Seventh piece of advice is: Never hate nor slander your spouse
“If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,”(Deut 22:13)
We all will have difficult moments in our married life. We all will have our differences with our spouses, and these will reflect in the sexual life, that is only too logical. However, there is no excuse to hate your spouse, nor slander him/her in public. Whenever you slander your spouse in public to others, it will reflect upon the marriage. Respect your spouse, always.
Eighth piece of advice is: Try to keep your spouse as happy as you can.
“Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.”(Ps 128:3)
Husbands who treat their wives well, will in return have a harmonious and well functioning family life. Your wife will be prosperous, good, and helpful and this always reflects on the children too. The same goes for the wife. Treat your husband well, and you will have peace and happiness in the marriage. It goes both ways. Mutual respect, love for God and love for each other should be prominent in a good marriage.
Ninth piece of advice: Do not be an overbearing or domineering spouse
“A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.”(Prov.19:13)
If a husband is too domineering the wife will become insecure and unhappy. If a wife is too domineering, contentious all the time, the husband will spend more time outside the home in order to avoid being with such a wife. Nowadays, with the change of society and the equal rights of women, women have now become more aware of themselves. You may fight for what you think is your right but it has to be within the boundaries.
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."( Ex 20:17.and Deut 5:21)
We all know that love first comes through the eye. Jesus told us “ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Mat. 5:28). You should honour your spouse, and your marital status, always.
Fifth piece of advice is: take good care of your spouse, try to fulfil his or her needs as best as you can
“If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.”( Ex 21:10)
We all will appreciate a caring and loving spouse. A husband has the legal responsibility before the eyes of God to take good care of his wife. The wife in return also has the same responsibility, however, a little different. The husband earns the living to take care of the family, financially, and the wife is responsible that the family and the husband functions accordingly. The head of the family is the husband and he cannot do without the body of the family, which is the wife. Both need and complement each other. As a spouse you should be looking out and after all the needs of your partner. In this way you will get back what you give and vice versa.
Sixth piece of advice is: Think good and hard about your choice of a spouse before you marry.
“They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.”(Lev 21:7)
It is imperative that you know all you have to know about your spouse before the wedding. In this way you will not find yourself with many surprises afterwards. A spouse who has encountered many sexual relationships before the marriage can tell you something. There might be a possibility that someone who has had many sexual partners in the past, thus before the marriage, may very well be someone who has difficulty to commit. If you have your doubts about a future spouse, pray to God and ask Him to give you sound advice.
Seventh piece of advice is: Never hate nor slander your spouse
“If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,”(Deut 22:13)
We all will have difficult moments in our married life. We all will have our differences with our spouses, and these will reflect in the sexual life, that is only too logical. However, there is no excuse to hate your spouse, nor slander him/her in public. Whenever you slander your spouse in public to others, it will reflect upon the marriage. Respect your spouse, always.
Eighth piece of advice is: Try to keep your spouse as happy as you can.
“Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.”(Ps 128:3)
Husbands who treat their wives well, will in return have a harmonious and well functioning family life. Your wife will be prosperous, good, and helpful and this always reflects on the children too. The same goes for the wife. Treat your husband well, and you will have peace and happiness in the marriage. It goes both ways. Mutual respect, love for God and love for each other should be prominent in a good marriage.
Ninth piece of advice: Do not be an overbearing or domineering spouse
“A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.”(Prov.19:13)
If a husband is too domineering the wife will become insecure and unhappy. If a wife is too domineering, contentious all the time, the husband will spend more time outside the home in order to avoid being with such a wife. Nowadays, with the change of society and the equal rights of women, women have now become more aware of themselves. You may fight for what you think is your right but it has to be within the boundaries.
Too many women just do not see the family structure as God meant it. The husband is and will be, before the eyes of God, the head of the family. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.”(Eph 5:23)
We as women, should comply and live by that rule. God made this structure for the well-being of the whole family, that includes the wife.
On the other hand, there are husbands who take this structure a bit too far. They are too domineering, at some point even, lashing out physically unto the wife. There should be harmony within a marriage. If you do not agree on an issue, discuss it, and when the issue is over, move on. Do not contend continuously nor nag about things all the time. Nagging is a reflection of an inner dissatisfaction within one self. Do not reflect this on your spouse.
Tenth piece of advice: Be kind, lovable and liberal towards your spouse
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”(1 Cor 7;3)
Eleventh piece of advice: Do not use sex as a tool to get even, or to control your spouse:
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”(1 Cor 7:4)
Many spouses use sex as a weapon to get their way. Others lose interest in sex during the marriage. Never use abstention of sex as a weapon to punish or to get even with your spouse.
God united you to a spouse to have sexual intercourse with each other. Sex is meant for enjoyment of each other, but to be enjoyed in marriage only. If you think you have to give in too much to your spouse’s sexual appetite, discuss this, talk about it. If you think you can get even by punishing your spouse in this way, you will only worsen the situation because he/she will go look for at in other places. God sees that as sin. In some cases after adultery and fornication, it can be very difficult for the cheated spouse to have sexual intercourse with the partner again. In this case counseling is needed.
Twelfth piece of advice: Honor and respect each other:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered”(1 Pet 3:7)
If a husband respects his wife, the wife in return will give him much joy. We women are very sensitive creatures and we need to feel loved and respected by our husbands. That is part of our nature. If we do, we will do our utmost best to please them, but if we do not feel that, we become bitter, angry and contentious.
Managing Our Feelings by speaking the Truth in Love
The biblical view of love is an unconditional commitment as two people seek one another's greatest good. Jesus Christ’s love for you is unconditional. You can never do anything to make Him stop loving you because His love is irrevocable. Of course, you can spurn His love, but His love for you will not cease. You may choose to be lost, but His love for you remains constant and steadfast. His commitment to love you does not diminish because you choose to reject His love. He continues to seek what is best for you.
Our world believes that it is unrealistic that we should commit ourselves to one another for life. Yet, without this unconditional commitment there can be no true love; for true love last forever because it is eternal.
The world’s view of love is that it is a feeling. Our love last as long as there is a romantic feeling. When this feeling is gone, then our love is gone. “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.” (Erich Fromm, “The Art of Loving (New York: Harper & Row, 1956, p. 56.)
The world’s view of love is that I am loved as long as my needs are met, and I can love another as long as my needs are met. It is a conditional love that last as long as I am happy. The world's view of love is based upon how we feel about our needs being met.
The first thing we need to realize is that our feelings are God given. God has feelings. God designed us to have both negative and positive feelings. Feelings aren’t necessarily good or bad if they are dealt with in a godly fashion.
We can’t deny our feelings, for they are real. They must be dealt with in a realistic way so as not to give them control over us
Feelings must not be the driving force of our lives, even if our feelings are valid. Feelings and emotions have a definite place in our lives, but they should never take control of us. I've heard it said, "Emotions don't make a good engine. They only make a good caboose."
Too often feelings are the driving force in our marriages. This is especially true when it comes to our methods of communication within the marriage relationship.Feelings may determine whether we communicate in a negative or positive way. This makes it essential for us to learn how to communicate our feelings in an effective positive way.
We as women, should comply and live by that rule. God made this structure for the well-being of the whole family, that includes the wife.
On the other hand, there are husbands who take this structure a bit too far. They are too domineering, at some point even, lashing out physically unto the wife. There should be harmony within a marriage. If you do not agree on an issue, discuss it, and when the issue is over, move on. Do not contend continuously nor nag about things all the time. Nagging is a reflection of an inner dissatisfaction within one self. Do not reflect this on your spouse.
Tenth piece of advice: Be kind, lovable and liberal towards your spouse
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”(1 Cor 7;3)
Eleventh piece of advice: Do not use sex as a tool to get even, or to control your spouse:
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”(1 Cor 7:4)
Many spouses use sex as a weapon to get their way. Others lose interest in sex during the marriage. Never use abstention of sex as a weapon to punish or to get even with your spouse.
God united you to a spouse to have sexual intercourse with each other. Sex is meant for enjoyment of each other, but to be enjoyed in marriage only. If you think you have to give in too much to your spouse’s sexual appetite, discuss this, talk about it. If you think you can get even by punishing your spouse in this way, you will only worsen the situation because he/she will go look for at in other places. God sees that as sin. In some cases after adultery and fornication, it can be very difficult for the cheated spouse to have sexual intercourse with the partner again. In this case counseling is needed.
Twelfth piece of advice: Honor and respect each other:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered”(1 Pet 3:7)
If a husband respects his wife, the wife in return will give him much joy. We women are very sensitive creatures and we need to feel loved and respected by our husbands. That is part of our nature. If we do, we will do our utmost best to please them, but if we do not feel that, we become bitter, angry and contentious.
Managing Our Feelings by speaking the Truth in Love
The biblical view of love is an unconditional commitment as two people seek one another's greatest good. Jesus Christ’s love for you is unconditional. You can never do anything to make Him stop loving you because His love is irrevocable. Of course, you can spurn His love, but His love for you will not cease. You may choose to be lost, but His love for you remains constant and steadfast. His commitment to love you does not diminish because you choose to reject His love. He continues to seek what is best for you.
Our world believes that it is unrealistic that we should commit ourselves to one another for life. Yet, without this unconditional commitment there can be no true love; for true love last forever because it is eternal.
The world’s view of love is that it is a feeling. Our love last as long as there is a romantic feeling. When this feeling is gone, then our love is gone. “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.” (Erich Fromm, “The Art of Loving (New York: Harper & Row, 1956, p. 56.)
The world’s view of love is that I am loved as long as my needs are met, and I can love another as long as my needs are met. It is a conditional love that last as long as I am happy. The world's view of love is based upon how we feel about our needs being met.
The first thing we need to realize is that our feelings are God given. God has feelings. God designed us to have both negative and positive feelings. Feelings aren’t necessarily good or bad if they are dealt with in a godly fashion.
We can’t deny our feelings, for they are real. They must be dealt with in a realistic way so as not to give them control over us
Feelings must not be the driving force of our lives, even if our feelings are valid. Feelings and emotions have a definite place in our lives, but they should never take control of us. I've heard it said, "Emotions don't make a good engine. They only make a good caboose."
Too often feelings are the driving force in our marriages. This is especially true when it comes to our methods of communication within the marriage relationship.Feelings may determine whether we communicate in a negative or positive way. This makes it essential for us to learn how to communicate our feelings in an effective positive way.
Most of us fall into one of four categories as we deal with our feelings.
Many deny their feelings in order to appease others. They try to be the nice person by giving in to another’s wishes even though they have strong feelings about an issue. This kind of dishonest approach may eventually leave the person extremely bitter after a life time of giving in to their mate.
Others deny their feelings to make themselves feel better. Pointing the finger of blame or accusing others is a means of denial that many use. We deny our feelings by victimizing another.
Often we seek to hide our feelings by trying to be extremely rational. We seek to overwhelm with words as we try to explain ourselves in a very rational way. We may become rather stoic in our evaluation of our experiences as we deny feelings in rational ways.
Feelings are treated as unimportant by some. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with some about how you feel about an issue, only to have them turning everything into a joke as they refuse to deal with the issue? They make it out to be a joke as they jump from one subject to another in the conversation as they refuse to face their true feelings. In each case we have mentioned we must recognize that we are allowing our feelings to control our actions. We are allowing our feelings to become the driving force behind how we communicate with each other.
There is a difference in bad feelings and bad actions.
Ephesians 4:25-27
26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. NIV
Anger in and of itself is not sinful, but can become sinful when we fail to deal with it honestly. We misuse our anger when we give way to it by allowing it to turn into bitterness, or when we allow it to motivate us to hurt others in an effort to promote our own selfish ambition.
Love must Control our Communications
Speaking the truth in love is the greatest help in dealing with conflict constructively.
Ephesians 4:15-16
15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. NIV
We may look at the verses only as they apply to our relationship within the church, but Paul is giving us instruction that applies to every relationship, especially marriage. A couple endeavouring to grow up in Christ will also grow in their relationship with each other as they endeavour to speak the truth in love.
It is difficult to express negative feelings in a positive way, so we try to conceal them. We sometimes question whether being honest is worth the risk of negative consequences. Intimacy requires honesty.
Marriage forces us to face our personal differences, values, feelings, and thoughts, in an effort to merge our lives into a one flesh relationship. This forces us to evaluate our communication skills in order to deal with the inevitable conflict. Failing to deal with how to face this inevitable conflict may cause serious problems.
Many deny their feelings in order to appease others. They try to be the nice person by giving in to another’s wishes even though they have strong feelings about an issue. This kind of dishonest approach may eventually leave the person extremely bitter after a life time of giving in to their mate.
Others deny their feelings to make themselves feel better. Pointing the finger of blame or accusing others is a means of denial that many use. We deny our feelings by victimizing another.
Often we seek to hide our feelings by trying to be extremely rational. We seek to overwhelm with words as we try to explain ourselves in a very rational way. We may become rather stoic in our evaluation of our experiences as we deny feelings in rational ways.
Feelings are treated as unimportant by some. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with some about how you feel about an issue, only to have them turning everything into a joke as they refuse to deal with the issue? They make it out to be a joke as they jump from one subject to another in the conversation as they refuse to face their true feelings. In each case we have mentioned we must recognize that we are allowing our feelings to control our actions. We are allowing our feelings to become the driving force behind how we communicate with each other.
There is a difference in bad feelings and bad actions.
Ephesians 4:25-27
26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. NIV
Anger in and of itself is not sinful, but can become sinful when we fail to deal with it honestly. We misuse our anger when we give way to it by allowing it to turn into bitterness, or when we allow it to motivate us to hurt others in an effort to promote our own selfish ambition.
Love must Control our Communications
Speaking the truth in love is the greatest help in dealing with conflict constructively.
Ephesians 4:15-16
15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. NIV
We may look at the verses only as they apply to our relationship within the church, but Paul is giving us instruction that applies to every relationship, especially marriage. A couple endeavouring to grow up in Christ will also grow in their relationship with each other as they endeavour to speak the truth in love.
It is difficult to express negative feelings in a positive way, so we try to conceal them. We sometimes question whether being honest is worth the risk of negative consequences. Intimacy requires honesty.
Marriage forces us to face our personal differences, values, feelings, and thoughts, in an effort to merge our lives into a one flesh relationship. This forces us to evaluate our communication skills in order to deal with the inevitable conflict. Failing to deal with how to face this inevitable conflict may cause serious problems.
We may end up quarrelling as we allow our negative feelings to produce uncontrolled anger. We may refuse to deal with the real issues as we berate each other. When this happens we completely lose sight of the real issue. This will prevent us from dealing with our problems honestly, while it does untold damage to each others’ self-esteem.
Proverbs 20:3
It is to a man's honour to avoid strife,
but every fool is quick to quarrel. NIV
Ephesians 4:29-32
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. NIV
Quarrelling usually ends up blaming others for how we feel, rather than allowing our feelings to be expressed honestly in order to share what is going on inside of us. Honesty isn’t made any easier when those we share our true feelings with become offended over how we feel about a situation.
In order to have constructive biblical conflict we must learn how to speak the truth in love.
Ephesians 4:15-16
15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. NIV
The conflict we have is not wrong, but the way we handle our conflict as we strive to become one-flesh can be wrong if we do not speak the truth in love.
Women usually have better verbal skills than men. Often, men have a tendency to shut down and withdraw emotionally when they lack the ability to communicate effectively. If you are not careful your husband will withdraw as you try to resolve conflict by out talking him. This may leave the wife thinking the conflict is resolved while the husband is only burying his building anger which will eventually manifest itself.
Conflict may install a competitive spirit leaving both of us feeling as though we must win the argument. If our negative feelings install the idea that we must win, we enter into a downward spiral in our marriage relationship. When proving we are right becomes the purpose of the conflict it always leaves one losing. If one loses both lose, and it has untold consequences on the one-flesh relationship.
Some personality types have a tendency to yield to those they feel conflict toward. If you or your spouse is constantly yielding in order to resolve conflict, anger is probably building up which will eventually surface.
Resolving conflict requires us to confront our differences without attacking one another. It would be extremely helpful if we would realize that there is an answer to our problems as we seek to resolve them. Having faith that there is an answer will go a long way in resolution as it will allow us to face our problems in anticipation of a positive outcome.
Proverbs 20:3
It is to a man's honour to avoid strife,
but every fool is quick to quarrel. NIV
Ephesians 4:29-32
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. NIV
Quarrelling usually ends up blaming others for how we feel, rather than allowing our feelings to be expressed honestly in order to share what is going on inside of us. Honesty isn’t made any easier when those we share our true feelings with become offended over how we feel about a situation.
In order to have constructive biblical conflict we must learn how to speak the truth in love.
Ephesians 4:15-16
15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. NIV
The conflict we have is not wrong, but the way we handle our conflict as we strive to become one-flesh can be wrong if we do not speak the truth in love.
Women usually have better verbal skills than men. Often, men have a tendency to shut down and withdraw emotionally when they lack the ability to communicate effectively. If you are not careful your husband will withdraw as you try to resolve conflict by out talking him. This may leave the wife thinking the conflict is resolved while the husband is only burying his building anger which will eventually manifest itself.
Conflict may install a competitive spirit leaving both of us feeling as though we must win the argument. If our negative feelings install the idea that we must win, we enter into a downward spiral in our marriage relationship. When proving we are right becomes the purpose of the conflict it always leaves one losing. If one loses both lose, and it has untold consequences on the one-flesh relationship.
Some personality types have a tendency to yield to those they feel conflict toward. If you or your spouse is constantly yielding in order to resolve conflict, anger is probably building up which will eventually surface.
Resolving conflict requires us to confront our differences without attacking one another. It would be extremely helpful if we would realize that there is an answer to our problems as we seek to resolve them. Having faith that there is an answer will go a long way in resolution as it will allow us to face our problems in anticipation of a positive outcome.
Dealing with Conflict Constructively
We must see the difficulties we face in becoming one flesh as a healthy, natural and normal aspect of marriages. Then we can deal with our conflict honestly. Conflict is inevitable, but it can be worked through by a couple in pursuit of a one flesh relationship with each other.
Understanding our expectations is the first step in dealing with conflict constructively. First we must understand that our spouse may know nothing about our expectations of them when they fail to live up to expectations. We may be expecting them to behave one way, when they are totally oblivious to how we expect them to act. This may cause our spouse to be uncomfortable, and then the uncomfortable feeling leads to a negative behaviour.
We must recognize our expectation or need.
We must recognize the source of our expectation.
We must ask ourselves if our expectations and needs are legitimate.
When we have legitimate expectations and needs that must be discussed, there are principles that will allow us to deal with our conflict constructively.
Timing is crucial as we deal with our difference . . . often timing is everything. For your wife it may not be the right time of the month. It is not good to discuss important issues when we are physically or mentally tired.
We must see the difficulties we face in becoming one flesh as a healthy, natural and normal aspect of marriages. Then we can deal with our conflict honestly. Conflict is inevitable, but it can be worked through by a couple in pursuit of a one flesh relationship with each other.
Understanding our expectations is the first step in dealing with conflict constructively. First we must understand that our spouse may know nothing about our expectations of them when they fail to live up to expectations. We may be expecting them to behave one way, when they are totally oblivious to how we expect them to act. This may cause our spouse to be uncomfortable, and then the uncomfortable feeling leads to a negative behaviour.
We must recognize our expectation or need.
We must recognize the source of our expectation.
We must ask ourselves if our expectations and needs are legitimate.
When we have legitimate expectations and needs that must be discussed, there are principles that will allow us to deal with our conflict constructively.
Timing is crucial as we deal with our difference . . . often timing is everything. For your wife it may not be the right time of the month. It is not good to discuss important issues when we are physically or mentally tired.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7
1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak, (NIV)
There are times when silence is golden. We must be aware of those times of the month when wives don’t feel good, or when we are extremely tired. The best time to deal with conflicts is not when both of you just walk in the door from work. You need a private place to deal with conflict. We can’t always choose an ideal time, but we can be sensitive to the best times to confront each other.
Sticking to the issue is important rather than dumping all of our negative feelings about everything. Often conflict over one issue moves us to dump all or our negative emotions about everything all at once. Determine what the central issue of the conflict is and stick to it. The issue may be connected to several peripheral issues, so refocus your attention on the main issue through the conflict resolution.
Proverbs 25:11
A word aptly spoken
is like apples of gold in settings of silver. NIV
No pushing one another's buttons to evoke a negative response. Two people who live together know what can trigger one another emotionally. We may do this to make our mate feel as negative as we feel . . . it is a way of trying to get even over how we feel over an issue.
Ephesians 4:1-3
4:1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. NIV
Learn to manage one another’s anger. This requires us to take responsibility for how the other feels. We can help manage the other’s feelings by being quick to listen and slow to speak. Be determined that both of you wont get mad at the same time. If one would determine to stay calm, the issues can be worked through more calmly.
Ephesians 4:25-28
26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. NIV
James 1:19-20
19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. NIV
Each person must acknowledge his/her contribution to the problem. Most of us tend to deny our responsibility. Constructive conflict requires us to claim ownership of our problems.
Matthew 7:1-5
1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. NIV
Affirmation is essential during conflict. Self-esteem tends to take a nose dive during conflict. A simple reminder can assure your partner that they are special.
Ephesians 4:29
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. NIV
We must learn to accept one another’s point of view without feeling threatened. We may be convinced that our point is the only valid view, but this only promotes conflict.
Romans 15:7
7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. NIV
These principles will help you work toward a resolution.
When your love, when your promises are put to the test, that is where the depth of your relationship reveals itself. Your relationship is mature when you can look the other in the eye as your marriage stands on rocky and uncertain ground and then say, "I made some promises when we got married and I intend to keep them. I'm committed to you and I'm committed to making this relationship work."
At some point your marriage must be transformed from the selfishness that originally existed to the commitment that will keep you together. Feeling committed to someone when everything is going well is not a true demonstration of commitment. When things seem to be falling apart, when you feel insecure, unloved perhaps, and disappointed and yet you can still remain committed, that is a good demonstration of commitment.
What you want in a relationship doesn't come until the relationship has weathered some fairly serious storms. It is the difficult times that make a relationship stronger. So, if you can remain committed during these trying and desperate times, you'll get the relationship you first sought when you chose to get married.
God speaks of this when he says in the book of Ephesians 5:31 of the Bible: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
God understands the need for true commitment in marriage. Once both of you gain it, you have not only a mature marriage, but one that will last through any storm.
1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak, (NIV)
There are times when silence is golden. We must be aware of those times of the month when wives don’t feel good, or when we are extremely tired. The best time to deal with conflicts is not when both of you just walk in the door from work. You need a private place to deal with conflict. We can’t always choose an ideal time, but we can be sensitive to the best times to confront each other.
Sticking to the issue is important rather than dumping all of our negative feelings about everything. Often conflict over one issue moves us to dump all or our negative emotions about everything all at once. Determine what the central issue of the conflict is and stick to it. The issue may be connected to several peripheral issues, so refocus your attention on the main issue through the conflict resolution.
Proverbs 25:11
A word aptly spoken
is like apples of gold in settings of silver. NIV
No pushing one another's buttons to evoke a negative response. Two people who live together know what can trigger one another emotionally. We may do this to make our mate feel as negative as we feel . . . it is a way of trying to get even over how we feel over an issue.
Ephesians 4:1-3
4:1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. NIV
Learn to manage one another’s anger. This requires us to take responsibility for how the other feels. We can help manage the other’s feelings by being quick to listen and slow to speak. Be determined that both of you wont get mad at the same time. If one would determine to stay calm, the issues can be worked through more calmly.
Ephesians 4:25-28
26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. NIV
James 1:19-20
19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. NIV
Each person must acknowledge his/her contribution to the problem. Most of us tend to deny our responsibility. Constructive conflict requires us to claim ownership of our problems.
Matthew 7:1-5
1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. NIV
Affirmation is essential during conflict. Self-esteem tends to take a nose dive during conflict. A simple reminder can assure your partner that they are special.
Ephesians 4:29
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. NIV
We must learn to accept one another’s point of view without feeling threatened. We may be convinced that our point is the only valid view, but this only promotes conflict.
Romans 15:7
7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. NIV
These principles will help you work toward a resolution.
When your love, when your promises are put to the test, that is where the depth of your relationship reveals itself. Your relationship is mature when you can look the other in the eye as your marriage stands on rocky and uncertain ground and then say, "I made some promises when we got married and I intend to keep them. I'm committed to you and I'm committed to making this relationship work."
At some point your marriage must be transformed from the selfishness that originally existed to the commitment that will keep you together. Feeling committed to someone when everything is going well is not a true demonstration of commitment. When things seem to be falling apart, when you feel insecure, unloved perhaps, and disappointed and yet you can still remain committed, that is a good demonstration of commitment.
What you want in a relationship doesn't come until the relationship has weathered some fairly serious storms. It is the difficult times that make a relationship stronger. So, if you can remain committed during these trying and desperate times, you'll get the relationship you first sought when you chose to get married.
God speaks of this when he says in the book of Ephesians 5:31 of the Bible: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
God understands the need for true commitment in marriage. Once both of you gain it, you have not only a mature marriage, but one that will last through any storm.
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