Homework Assignment 6

The biblical perspective on love is radically different from what most people associate with the term. The Bible is in fact a love story from beginning to end, revealing God's unchanging and sacrificial love for rebellious people:

For this is the way God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16).

No one has greater love than this--that one lays down his life for his friends. (John 15:13).

But God demonstrates his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8).

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her (Eph. 5:25).

In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:10).

God's love is not static but dynamic, because it is manifested in action as well as attitude. It is a love which seeks the highest good for its object. This deepest love results from a choice to give rather than a desire to get. Marriage is to be modeled on the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church, and it is the nature of Christ's love to serve and to give (see Mark 10:45).

Love is not primarily a matter of mysterious feelings and irrational passions. We can choose to love, we can learn to love, and we can develop the depth of our love even in times of difficulty. Esteem for the unique value of another is based more on choice than on feelings, and it is this esteem and commitment which provides stability in a marriage when feelings fluctuate. All of us desire the emotional aspects of love, but left to themselves, emotions can become tyrannical. According to Scripture, beliefs determine behavior. The right thinking will lead to the right actions, and this in turn will lead to the right emotions.

So far, we have been talking about agape, the highest form of love because it is the love which God has for us. But there are other aspects of love which should also be part of the marital relationship. In The Four Loves, C. S. Lewis develops the meaning of four Greek words for love, and to this list we will add a fifth.

1. Epithumia--In a negative sense, this word is translated lust, but it can also be used in a positive way to speak of legitimate desire. Physical desire should be a part of each marriage; an absence or minimizing of the sexual relationship is symptomatic of problem areas that need to be corrected like painful experiences in the past or tension and poor communication in the present. Marriage was divinely designed to create oneness between a man and a woman on every level, and the shared experience of sexual pleasure is an important form of love which enriches the other forms of love in a marriage union.

2. Eros--This word was commonly used in Greek literature, though it does not appear in the New Testament. While it is the basis for our word erotic, it is not limited to the sensual dimension of love but goes beyond this to the romantic preoccupation with the beloved. Eros can be present with or without epithumia or sexual desire (what Lewis calls "Venus"). It can lead to such a powerful identification that it virtually overcomes the distinction between giving and receiving. Because it is such an emotional love, eros cannot be summoned at will or sustained without help.

3. Storge--Like eros, this word is not used in the New Testament. Storge is the love of affection and belonging, and it borne out of familiarity. It is a love shared by members of a family who know they belong together and are comfortable in one another's presence. It provides a sense of security and an emotional refuge from the outside world.

4. Phileo--This is the love of friendship, companionship, and openness. It is the product of shared interests, time, insights, vision, and experiences. In eros, the lover is occupied with the beloved; in phileo, two or more companions are occupied with common interests and activities. Without this dimension of friendship, a marriage will slip into the rut of mediocrity.

5. Agape--We have already seen that this is the highest of the loves because it is characterized by unselfishness and giving, even to the point of sacrifice. Agape is not a conditional "if" love that places others on a performance basis. Nor is it a "because" love that results from mutual attraction or friendship. Agape is an "in spite of" love which sets no conditions and stands firm in spite of circumstances. It is prompted by a willful choice to put another's interest before one's own and to serve another person regardless of his or her response. It relates more to the will than to the emotions. Agape is not theoretical but practical, because it is expressed in actions.

Agape is not natural. It is a divine love, and our choice to love others in this way requires us to be willing vessels of God's love. It is not something we can manufacture in the power of the flesh. Agape is the only love which can provide a true foundation for a successful Christian marriage. The other loves are all important, and each of them should be facets of the marital relationship. But they are like flowers in a garden that must be cultivated, nourished, and weeded by agape. Without it, the other loves can degenerate and become ends in themselves:

Epithumia can become an addictive and selfish quest for the acquisition of pleasure; legitimate sexual desire for a spouse can turn into sexual lust for other men or women.

Eros can become a tyrant; the feeling of "being in love" can be so romanticized that it speaks with the voice of a god and leads people into illicit relationships.

Storge can lead to rudeness, bad manners, jealousy, the demanding of "rights," and the need to be needed.

Phileo can degenerate into the sharing of secret evils and hatreds; it can lead to a we-versus-they mentality that excludes outsiders.

When these loves are controlled and transformed by the love of God, each of them can become aspects of agape while also remaining, in the best sense, the natural loves they were. Frictions and faults are really invitations to turn these loves into agape, "which is the perfect bond of unity" (Col. 3:14), so that we respond with "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other" (Col. 3:12-13).

* Write out a personal definition for each word for "love":
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In this exercise, note the dangers of each kind of love apart from agape. Then describe how each is controlled and transformed when expressed in the context of God's love, agape.

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